November 16, 2014

Nihilistic solutions

I'm thinking of starting a new business. It would be called "Endangered Species Solutions". Our motto: They can't be endangered if they're extinct!

See, the way it works: when some damned environmentalist manages to fuck you over completely by getting some obscure species declared "endangered", you come to us and we take care of it for you.

For example: having your irrigation water taken away from you for the benefit of the Delta Smelt? Pay us, and in the dead of night we'll dump 1000 pounds of potassium cyanide into the Sacramento river and kill them all. Once they're extinct, they can't be endangered any longer and now you can go to court and force the government to release your irrigation water.

Or the Gunnison Sage Grouse? We provide you with a group of hunters equipped with IR night vision goggles to go on a grand multi-week hunt to eliminate the problem. With extreme prejudice.

And we're really good at dealing with Spotted Owls! Just try us!

We'll incorporated in Antigua, and only accept cash transfers. Our customers will never know who we are!

Anyone care to invest? I've got $4.95 seed money so far...

Posted by: Steven Den Beste in Weird World at 03:58 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 197 words, total size 2 kb.

1 It's an obvious solution and I'm really surprised that none of the farmers did it to Delta Smelt yet.

Posted by: Pete Zaitcev at November 16, 2014 05:13 PM (RqRa5)

2 It isn't as simple as I make it sound. For one thing, the Sacramento River is the the source of drinking water for several cities and towns.

Posted by: Steven Den Beste at November 16, 2014 07:52 PM (+rSRq)

3

But sometimes it's fun to fantasize about what I'd do if I had no scruples at all, kind of "What would Stalin do?"

So, for instance: terrorists take a bunch of people hostage and demand that 100 of their fellows be released from prison. What would Stalin do?

That's easy: he's have all 100 shot, and deliver them to the terrorists in coffins. Then they'd execute all the hostages, and troops would storm the place and kill all the terrorists -- and that terrorist organization would never try anything like that again, even if it still existed afterwards.

Posted by: Steven Den Beste at November 16, 2014 07:57 PM (+rSRq)

4 That reminds me of a story about how the KGB's First Chief Directorate handled the 'kidnapping of foreigners in Lebanon for fun, fame, and profit' streak during the 1980s.  When some Soviet nationals were taken hostage, the field officers of the KGB's station in Beirut took a look into their files, and then went out to grab family members of the guys who had taken the hostages.  Depending on who tells the tale, Station Beirut sent a message to the hostage takers, demanding the immediate and unconditional release of the Soviet nationals, unharmed - and the message may or may not have been accompanied by body parts from the family members.  Subsequent, that hostages were released, with something akin to an apology.

Posted by: cxt217 at November 16, 2014 09:35 PM (ztr46)

5 I included that event (described somewhat differently) in this post, way back when.

Posted by: Steven Den Beste at November 16, 2014 10:03 PM (+rSRq)

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